Pictures

We finally got to the unpacking and hanginf of pictures today. As I was unpacking them I kept looking at the past pics of me. As take a close look at the girl in the pics I am starting to understand that even though the pics look like I am a confidant and completely happy girl I know deep in my heart that I felt pretty much the same way I do now, Lost and not confidant. Yea I was more confantant in my body, to the point of cocky sometimes but that was my key when I was younger, I was confadent because I could make guys notice me. This got me to really think about my past and I am relising that this self discovering journey is not something new for me, I think through out my life I have been searching for who I am.

I was an avarage student in school but never happy with my social standing, I always wanted to be in the popular group. I ran for many councel seats through out JH and HS just hoping to win so I could be popular and year after year I always lost. Looking back at it now it seems trival but then it was huge to me. Attending my 10 year was rewarding for me b/c more people (including the popular group) remember me than I even thought new my name and even remembered who I was after 10 year (and just so we all know I looked completed dirrerent in H.S long bonde hair and skinny while at the reunion I had short dark hair and was 4 months prego with Audrey).

In college I struggled so bad that I was kicked out of the bio dept (later to be reienstated due to being dianosed with 4 learining disabilities, I then quit the bio course on my own choice to follow a more desired feild psychology). I was stoked to be accepted to be a volunteer at the marine lab to help care for 2 dolphins there and learn how to train them (this was my career choice since I was a little girl). I worked hard for 20 hours a week for free to yet again feel like an outsider to the popular crowd. I was not given the same oppurnities as other volunteers hired at the same time as myself, just because they were part of the "in crowd". I found the same to be true with the group of good friends I made outside of the lab as well. They all had a long history together but on of them brought me in as a friend (it wasn't until many years later did I find out he was more interested in me than I ever imagined). I had great times with them times I will never forget, however spend many of those time felling like part of the outer circle not the "in group".

As an adult I have found myself to have a couple close friends however I am jealous of Doug and his close group of friends (they have know each other for 20+ years and still hang out together a couple times a month). Again I find my self on the outside looking in.

I'm nit really dure where the need to be popular and fit in comes from I have always felt that way. I am not sure if it is something everyone feels or am I just one of the lucky ones. I see it in my students and I try to tell them that fitting in now truely doesn't matter as they grow up however is still seems to play such an important roll in my life as a almost 31 year old woman. When I meet new people I worry about what they will think of me, Am I a a good teacher? A good mother? a good wife? I really need to figure out why it is soo important to me what people think of me and that they will like me and I will U ever fit in. Not really sure where to find those answers but I know I need to address this in my journey.